Friday, November 2, 2012


It is embarrassing that I had to rely on spell check to spell the word "embarrass". I always forget there are two Rs...

I cannot watch embarrassing things on tv. I can watch super-gory death scenes, and the surgery channel, and all other manner of peculiarities, but I could not sit through Meet the Parents because even though I love Ben Stiller he was just too damn embarrassing all the time. Gah!

Here's when I realized I couldn't watch this stuff: I was a kid watching Little House on the Prairie. Laura was jealous of Mary because Mary (who was slightly older) was maturing and getting boobs and attention. So one day Laura, who is completely unhinged with jealousy, puts two apples in her dress to make it look like she has boobs. Except it does not look like she has boobs so much as weird lumpy alien chest tumors. Poor damn Laura.
So they go to school - to their one-room schoolhouse - and OF COURSE Laura gets called to present a problem of some kind to the class. She walks toward the blackboard with her uneven fruit-boobs and everyone is staring. She starts to write something on the board and because she has not secured the apples to anything inside her dress (Laura: no engineer) one of them falls to the floor and rolls away.
Now watching this I KNEW it was going to happen because OF COURSE. I was looking at the tv, staring between my fingers, which were covering my face. It was agony.
And everyone in the classroom busts out laughing after a terrible moment of stunned silence. And Laura looks upset and enraged and she runs out of the class room. Then she locks the doors with her powers of telekinesis and slaughters them all like rats out of revenge. I think there is pig's blood.
Ok, that last bit might have been from Carrie but I wouldn't know how that episode of Little House on the Prairie ends because I think I also got up and ran away just like Laura. It was awful.

1 comment:

die Frau said...

I feel the same way. I cannot watch potentially embarrassing stuff without cringing; I have to turn it off.

Poor damn Laura indeed.