Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Sooooo I just wrote this fairly heart-pouring-out kind of post and my computer shut down and it wasn't saved and DAMNIT that pisses me off.

It was about jumping to conclusions and how I do that a lot especially with what I perceive to be slights done unto me by others.

Example: Last night at my place I was saying something to the Man about my desk chair (so fascinating, I know) and when I looked up to make eye contact with him, he was reading an email on his phone. Now, this is not the first time I've ever seen him paying attention to something else while I'm talking to him, but I am particularly sensitive right now and I was hurt. So I'm not worth listening to? I'm easily dismissed? I'm boring??

Of course this probably not what he was thinking; he was just multitasking, but hey! I was talking and I deserve attention; I give him my attention. I listen and engage when other people talk. At least, I think I do. When people don't tell me when I'm doing something that they don't like or is hurtful, how will I ever know not to do that again? I did tell the Man that it bothered me but he's not really good with "emotions". I fear that he thinks that at the point when I'm upset if he says ANYTHING he could just be making it worse so the way to react is to shut up and pet my head until I forget about it. BUT! I never forget it. It just sits there forever, forgotten by the other person but to me it's just one piece in a pile of evidence proving that I am easily ignored or tossed aside.

And right now, things aren't good. I mean they're good with us, but there's a whole other part of my life right now that is up in the air and I'll find out about the disposition of that stuff soon but in the meantime I am just keeping my head above water, emotionally. I'm getting all weepy recounting the story of how my boyfriend may not have been listening 100% to my comments about a chair. Duh.

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this other than to say I've been working on my conclusion jumping, but it's hard and I haven't made much progress. Sometimes someone says or does something small and my reaction is immediately to assume that they think I'm annoying or boring or not worth the time. And it's totally possible that sometimes people are thinking that. I just have to understand that the people I love probably aren't thinking that because they love me too.

No comments: