I hate small talk. Hate it. I'm bad at it. I almost don't even try anymore.
Do we know each other? Then chances are I LOVE talking to you, especially if you can make me laugh. Or if I can make you laugh. But you should know that before we knew each other, when we were strangers, I HATED the small talk with you. Sorry. Luckily, with most of the lovely people I know, building friendships happened quickly.
Here's my problem: AWKWARDNESS. I never know what to say to keep the conversation going. And, when it seems to be time to end the conversation, I'm even worse. I flail and make non-word noises.
Here are some examples:
Supplier of lab products: "My wife and I will be in Napa for a week next month and I'm really looking forward to it. We love California. Do you have any vacation plans for the summer?"
Leslie: "My cat's name is Mittens."
or
VP of something-or-other: "The book River of Doubt was fantastic. Teddy Roosevelt is such a fascinating subject, don't you agree?"
Leslie: "Ummm. When I grow up I want to be a principal or a caterpillar."
or
Dude at a bar: This music is pretty good. I saw these guys at the House of Blues the other night and they rocked. The show and after party went late so I didn't get a lot of sleep."
Leslie: "Yay, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!!"
That's right. All of my lines are Ralph Wiggum quotes because I am like the Ralph Wiggum of small talk. That's how bad it gets. My issue seems to be that if I DO think of something to say, I'm five minutes deep into an incredibly uninteresting story* before I realize that people are just smiling politely or scanning the room for other people to flee to.
Basically I think I need to just prepare some interesting stories or comments in advance, like Bridget Jones in the first eponymous movie: "Oh, Isn't it just awful about Chechnya?" She says to herself in the mirror before a big night out. THAT'S what I should be doing. Or maybe I can come up with some good jokes. But even then you don't know the opinions/politics/dick-and-fart-joke-proclivities of the company you're in. You have to be careful.
Small talk: it's a minefield. The potential for conversational devastation is everywhere.
This conversation is over.
* "...and that's when the doctor said I had two lazy eyes and that's why this was the best summer ever!" -Ralph Wiggum
3 comments:
I also hate small talk. Here is an example of an actual conversation with with Andrew's baseball coach.
J: Hey, how are you doing?
E: I'm doing great! How are you?
J: Good. How are you...? :-/
(In my head. "Shit I already said that. Now I'm just an idiot." Walk away now...)
AWKWARD.
My mom is the queen of small talk. Just ask the person questions about himself and pretend to look interested. Now stop before I got get carsick in your office.
My job involves a LOT of small talk and I also hate hate hate it. But I do what Frau's mom does and plaster an interested look on my face. Unless they are inturupting me while I'm doing something important or complicated in which case, I cold stare at them until they go away...
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