Crazy Cat Timeline, Part 9012

Last night I went to visit J in the rehab center. She is healing beautifully and is getting out on Saturday. Then she’ll stay with her parents for a while – because she can still hardly get around. But wow. She’s doing great!

I promised myself that when I cam home I would do laundry because there is NOTHING for me to wear. This meant that I had to stay up and alert enough to fold laundry until 11pm. Ugh. On a weeknight. OMG I am so old.

So these are the events that transpired after hopping into bed at 11:15-ish.

11:15 – I get into bed with a cat. The other cat is sleeping on the ottoman. I realize there is WAY too much cat hair on the bed and that the linens will be the next load of laundry I do…Maybe during the weekend.

11:40 – I fall asleep (at least this was the last time I remember looking at the clock).

2:20 – I wake up because cat #2 gets on the bed. I have to coax him to the opposite side as cat #1 so that they don’t get in a fight (fights mean that they both jump off the bed and start messing with shit to keep me awake).

2:30 – After petting both cats for about 10 minutes, I fall asleep again.

3:12 – EVERYBODY WAS KUNG-FU FIGHTING!! DE NE NE NE NE NE NE NE NE! THOSE CATS WERE FAST AS LIGHTENING!

3:16 – One of the cats jumps onto my desk chair, then my desk, then knocks a Martha Stewart magazine (April) to the floor. I say something like: “Gah! Tchutt!”

3:22 – Cats fight near the tv and knock over some poorly stacked DVDs (among them Avatar, Star Trek, Jillian Michaels).

3:37 – After running back and forth from the kitchen, their fight leads them onto the bed, when one of them launches ONTO MY THROAT and then they both leap off the bed.

3:38 – I grab the water bottle and lumber from the bed nook to the kitchen and spray the shit out of those fuckers like it ain’t no thang. I mumble several obscenities and question their parentage and go back to bed.

3:43 – Two semi-contrite cats jump back on the bed. I coax them to opposite sides of my body so that I’m trapped but they're not fighting. I pet them until we fall asleep.

4:18 – Left-side cat jumps over me to join right-side cat and a clash of the titans ensues. They tumble off the bed and scramble-run to the kitchen. I curse my own birth and contemplate leaving them to start a country music career under the name “Laverne Deadcats”. My chart-topping single “Baby I Ain’t Slept Since Before We Met” will make millions.

4:19 – Vague cat-induced noises. I grab and shake the water bottle menacingly so as to instill fear. It works for 20 seconds or so. More noises eat at my brain and I make a show of rumpling the covers but not really moving my body. They call my bluff and continue to party.

4:27 – I get up to put some food in their bowls. I go back to bed hoping for some peace.

4:28 – Peace is achieved temporarily.

6:21 – YAY! Time to get up!!!

Ahh. Pets are such great stress relief, aren't they? :)