Timeline:

I have already said "fuck" over 100 times today, and I'm not a sex-worker so I think that's too many.

3:36am: Conan jumps off the bed and decides it's party time. Starts pulling DVDs off the shelf and playing with electrical cords. I grab the squirt bottle.
3:50am: Ok, it's quietish. Maybe I can start to...*Brrrriiiieeeeeoooooowwww* Nope, still awake.
3:58am: *Squirt* Kail jumps off the bed fearing that the water bottle might be meant for him.
4:07am: Jump out of bed, go to the cat hiding spot (under kitchen table) and squirt mercilessly, getting both cats. (Sorry Kail, but those are the breaks, maybe re-think the company you keep.)
4:12am: Ok, now it's quiet again I can sleep. OR I can think of all the things I need to do this week but have no time to do.
4:20am: Well, that's quite a list of things to do. Oh look, only 10 minutes until I can give the cats some food before I break my rule of "Don't give the cats food before 4:30am or they'll think they can have food all night".
4:27am: *Moooow. Mow. Mow. Mowmowmowmowmowmow* FUCK IT, food it is.
4:40am: cats jump on bed, purring and licking themselves at top volume.
4:49am: Relative peace is restored.
-what feels like 3 minutes later-
6:07am: BEEEEEP, snooze!
6:16am: BEEEEEP BEEEEEP, snooze!
6:25am: BEE-, snooze!
6:34am: BEEEEP. Fine. I'm up. AGAIN.
7:29am: Go outside, Get in car, drive around corner and look directly into the giant yellow sun. Remain partially blinded until 9:45am.
7:46am: Get cutoff by huge bitch in VW wagon in Harvard. She, in effect, cut me off by making a right turn from the left lane. WHORE.
7:55am: Waiting at red light to make right-turn. Light turns green, but there's a pedestrian in the way, so I opt to avoid vehicular homicide and wait 4 seconds. get frantically honked at and flipped off by asshole behind me.
8:05am: Open emails to find some spam and also aggressive sales pitches by not particularly intuitive sales personnel.
11:18am: Starving (despite english muffin, 7 almonds, 1 pop tart).
11:35am: Decide to heat up soup from yesterday. Head to cafeteria.
11:37am: Put soup in microwave, pick up leftover grape tomato from veggie plate. Pop the tomato in my mouth for IMMEDIATE regret. This soft tomato is enough to ruin my day by itself.
11:46am: Eating soup at my desk. Phone rings and I spill significant portion of remains of soup on my skirt.
11:47am: Contemplate seppuku; realize I forgot my sword. Lay head on desk.

EDITED TO ADD:
1:06pm: Aaaaaaand a wrecked white sweater after tussling with the stupid copier. Oh my god, Dude Who Jammed the Machine and Abandoned It, YOU ARE NOT A MAN!