Cats and not-cats

Dear cat(s),

First: sit down and shut up. We’re not going to get anywhere with your constant cries of dissatisfaction. I know. You’re not happy right now. I know you need something. That “something” may be food, or time outside, or scratches, or things I could not possibly even know how to give you. I know you are desperately unhappy without this “something”. I am sorry about that.

But.

It’s just that – I give you all the things I know I can give you. I have fed you – with very few exceptions – multiple times a day, EVERY SINGLE DAY of your life. I am dedicated to making sure you are healthy. I take you to the vet for medical care – even when you get in stupid fights and get holes in your body. I pet you and brush you. I clean your hair up from all over the house. I chin-scratch, I belly-rub, I butt-pat. I even moved out of that apartment that one time because I couldn’t ever let you out because we were on the third floor right next to Ball Square and there was a pitbull on the first floor and I didn’t want her to crush your head in her jaws.

I stand at the door like a chump while you decide if you want to go out. Or come in. Or just sit in the open doorway and look out at the world.

I am a chump for you. And all you can do is complain. Where's the appreciation? Where's the peace, love, and understanding? I'd especially like to know where all that is at 5am.

Well consider this a counter complaint. I’m tired. Let’s see if you can get the food out of the cabinet 5ft off the floor. Let’s just see.

See you in hell,
Leslie

UNRELATED TO CATS: 

In my life, I have watched a bunch of cop shows. The detectives almost always wear suits with ties (the male detectives – the female ones almost always wear heels and have perfect hair and are gorgeous – obviously). I can’t imagine why they need to wear ties. Now, I like ties. I don’t think they serve a purpose, really, but I enjoy the way they look. But they seem like a hazard in a job where someone could potentially choke you with them.

I don’t ever really see this happening in cop shows but I feel like a tie is a convenient handle for choking or hanging on to someone in a fight. Thoughts?