5:20am: I hear the first cat whine of the day. I know the day is going to be fucking awesome, because who doesn't like being awakened by a whiny cat at 5:20am?
5:26am: The other cat stands on my shoulder and neck and then lies down on my face.
5:26.5am: I breathe in cat hair. There is cat hair in my mouth. I move my arms, which are pinned to my sides by cats and the Man. I wriggle my hands to my face and empty my mouth of fur.
5:27am: The cats understand my movement as a sign that I am awake and I'd like to party.
5:28am: Now there are two cats perched on my torso. One is purring and jamming his face into my face, the other is licking his own butt.
5:30am: The cats decide they are fighting and launch off of my body and onto the floor. They screech a bit.
5:32am: I hear rug-scratching sounds from the living room. I get up with the spray bottle but when I get to the living room, no one is there.
I go back to bed.
5:35am: I hear rug-scratching sounds from the living room. I get up with the spray bottle but when I get to the living room, no one is there.
I go back to bed.
5:41am: CAT SCREAM OF DISSATISFACTION! I shake the spray bottle menacingly.
5:42am: CAT SCREAM! I sit up and spray in the general direction of the door. Cats run in the opposite direction.
5:43am: I get up to pee. I am set upon by the cats, who are purring and meowing with great purpose. I pet them as I pee. I go back to bed. They meow more.
5:45am: I hear rug-scratching sounds from the living room. I get up with the spray bottle but when I get to the living room, no one is there. I got back to bed.
5:47am: Both cats get back on the bed. One licks himself a lot while the other kneads my shoulder. One of the Man's muscly arms shoots over me to push the kneading cat to a lying-down-only-and-not-moving position.
5:50am: The Man gets up to pee. The cats get off the bed and follow. They follow him back and both hop onto my pillow.
5:51am: MEOW. Meow. MEEEEEEEE-yawn-OW.
I push pile of cats off the side of the bed.
6:05am: The alarm goes off. YAY!
1 comment:
I am simultaneously laughing my ass off and having a full-on anxiety attack on your behalf. I don't know how you live like that. But hey, I got woken up at 3:30 AM by crying child screaming for a band-aid on an imaginary dream boo-boo, so maybe nobody's sleeping.
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