Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The dark

I am intimately involved in a relationship with 4:30am. I hate it. We know each other too well, and it's my least favorite time of the day.

For a while I tried to embrace it; I tried to use it as a time of quiet reflection when I would make plans, weigh decisions, check in with myself.

But I can't do that with a fuzzy paw in my face, an elbow in my ribs and the sweet symphony of meowing and snoring.

Nope. I fucking hate 4:30am. That's when I wake up and feel like a freak and a failure because I cannot sleep. Even when nothing in particular wakes me up, once the cats know I'm awake, it's all over. And then I start thinking about stuff: my job, fulfillment, love, the future, my weight, my cold nose, money, the future, my dreams. Oh yeah, and the future. It's dark, and I'm angry and thinking about the future. I am not gentle with myself at 4:30am, let me tell you.

I also think about trying to sleep some more, and how I can't. But if I don't, forget staying awake during my 1:30 to 3:30 meeting where I already can barely follow along but have to at least look conscious and interested. I take notes (some of which have nothing to do with what's going on at the meeting) just so I'll remain alert, when all I want to do is go to sleeeeeep.

I am sleepy now. So sleepy. I'll get a great big coffee before the meeting. That should help.


Wonderland said...

I have had in the past a similar relationship with 4am. It sucks so very much. And I'll never understand why we're meaner to ourselves at that time than during other times of the day. It's a mystery. A sucky, sucky mystery.

One suggestion that was made to me was "well, why don't you just go to bed at 8 pm?". I wanted to kick that person in the shins. I could only fix mine with medication. Have you tried melatonin or valerian? Or you could always go for the heavy hitters from a doctor...

Just Another Idealist said...

Mine was more like 3:30. But it only lasted a few weeks during a period of high anxiety. And I have no cats.