So. Two things that have happened:
1. I was walking the 15 minutes to meet a friend for lunch yesterday. I was wearing my iPod (in one ear only, I think that's the safest thing) and enjoying the sunshine and 50-some degree weather that will be gone soon, is gone today...
I crossed the street near two dudes. One said:
Dude: Hey! Hey there! Hi.
Leslie: ...closed-mouth smile
Dude: Hey! You're listening to music. Just like me!
Leslie: Yup.
I don't break my stride; I keep walking away. And I hear:
Dude: That girl's a BITCH!
Really? I'm a bitch because I don't want to stop walking to lunch to talk to a stranger? Nice. Stay classy, asshole.
2. It's 5:15am-ish this morning. I'm awake and alone and the cats are out and I think:
I am cold. Really cold. Maybe if I let the cats in I can snuggle with them for warmth. No, they'll just keep me up when I could be sleeping for another hour. But... so... cold...
Then I let the cats in. They eat some food. They both get on the bed. Then Kail goes over to Conan and they fight and tumble off the bed. Then Conan meows and paws the the closet doors. Then he scratches at the rug in the living room. Then I get up and storm into the living room and spray him the face with water. Then he gets back on the bed. Then Kail starts meowing. I rattle the water bottle in a desperate attempt to get them both to SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Then they both calm down, get on the bed, and begin their bathing routines. Loudly. Then the alarm goes off. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
___________no transition___________________________
I blog for different reasons. One reason is that I hate the phone and blogging about the stuff that happens is a pretty good way of letting the people I know and love find out what's happening with me when they don't see me. Another reason I blog is because it's a record of what happened and how I feel (felt) that I can look back on like a journal. I've always been terribly inconsistent with journals so this is a great substitute.
The downside to this is when these two reasons kind of intersect in a way that I feel I might be sharing too much. Or sharing something that will get a certain reaction, when I guess I don't know if I want a reaction at all.
So here's something just for the record: I feel like I'm out of the club. I'm 33, I have a good job, great friends, a loving guy, extra-cirriculars. BUT. But many of the people that I've always run with are married. Or planning a wedding. Or have babies, or are planning for babies. I'm not there. Who knows when or if I ever will be, but I feel like our languages are evolving away from each other and our goals and priorities are completely different. I am running in a circle in the same place and they're moving on and I'm not sure what to do about that.
Now, I love where I live and I have a fantastic life. This is a terrific community of people and I frequently think that if our microcosm were mirrored more closely in the rest of the world we wouldn't have the wars and the hunger and the unhappiness. We'd have a giant village of people working cooperatively.
But. The club of people I know. They're in it; I'm behind somewhere. Having a great life, but wondering what's up there, when I'll get there. Am I just not ready? What's missing?
I can't be the only person who's so far off what they thought they'd be doing, right? I mean, I'm not a miserable wretch or anything - I'm basically surrounded in beautiful people who love me. I have enough money to do fun things. Things are bright and potential-full and everything.
But.
But.
EDITED TO ADD: Like all other words, "but" totally loses its meaning if you keep typing it over and over... Heh. BUT.
4 comments:
Although feeling left out of the wife and mom club must feel like a pretty big one, I actually think we all feel this way, just about different things.
I feel left out of tons of things that I can't rectify at the moment: having a career to be proud of, having a group of friends in ONE city and not all over the country, having enough money to own more than 3 bras, etc, etc, etc...
I can't offer anything better than that unfortunately. But you're probably not quite as left out as it feels like.
I agree with Scarlet. Everyone feels left out of something. I try to focus on the things I get to do & am a part of, rather than what I'm missing. There are so many good things we ARE doing. But yeah, the other stuff is still there. Some stuff we will get to do & some stuff we won't, and we don't get total control of that.
Annoying.
But true.
I have a friend who continues to tell me (because he's right, and because I continue to need to hear it), "Nothing is ever as bad or as good as you think it is."
The Club ain't all that. However rewarding it can be to be married and have kids, any married parent who tells you they don't sometimes wish, EVEN FOR A SECOND, to be single and childless again, EVEN FOR A SECOND, is lying. I have this horrible mix of a "love the one you're with" personality mixed up with a "grass is greener" personality, which means I'm constantly in LOVE with whatever situation I'm in, while simultaneously thinking "Oooh, but THAT! If I just had THAT, then I could die happy!"
Everyone feels this way at times. EVERYONE. Some of us are angstier than others. Some of use are more honest and vocal about it than others. Some of us are ashamed of feeling this way.
You have freedoms those of us in the married/babies club have left FAAAAAAAAR behind us. Don't underestimate the value of that. It's okay to be wanty for more or different. But remember that nothing is perfect for anyone and most of our yearnings come from dissatisfactions with ourselves, on the inside, not truly from our situation.
I feel I can't put it any better than the other ladies. They're all right.
I guess what I can add is that you have every damn right to feel how you feel, even though you do have a lot in your life. It's ok to want more or something else because you DO realize the wonderful things you have in your life. But you're not a saint.
You're an amazing person who will get everything she wants. I know it. I hope that's ok that I write that.
Post a Comment