So, I’ve come to realizations about my life. Or, since I guess I already knew that they were there, I’ll call them re-realizations*.
-The most obvious re-realization is that I will not be married with a baby-on-the-way at 30 years old. I know this, because I am 32.5 and I live in a crappy (but nicely painted) studio a block away from my (let’s be honest) commitment-phobic boyfriend. And the only thing I “mother” is two screamy cats. Whatever, right? There’s no law that says you get to do the things that you want, when you want, and boyfriends/family/employers have to play along because you deserve it, right**?
-Next: Begging/screaming/crying/threatening/playing games won’t get you(me) anything. Even if they did, I wouldn’t want to get anything by those methods.
I’m thisclose to saying to my boyfriend:”We need to live together and START DOING SOMETHING already because otherwise my head will explode and the hopes and dreams that have built up for all of my adult life will spray all over your face and down your wrinkly shirt***”. Instead, I try to playfully bring it up and send non-scary, totally rational emails that state my position and address fears I think he may have. I don’t want to say that we’ll break up if we don’t move forward because that would be a giant bluff. There will be a day when that happens, but I’m not there now. I have no idea when that time will come.
-And then also: There really is a lot of love and happiness and cuddling and laughing and with all that, I can’t imagine things NOT working out, right? There’s a path that I’m supposed to be on (that’s my hope) and I feel like I will end up in a certain place and that doesn’t mean that I have to get so stressed about each individual step there. I need to focus on what makes me happy right now – but that’s tough when my lack of sleep and screamy dependents and no parking and aging ovaries get in the way. When I feel like the time BEFORE all-the-stuff happens is lengthening and the time I actually spend doing-stuff is shorter and shorter all the time****.
But, you know, every day is a new day to be happy with what I have and where I’m going.
So, there’s that…
*Shut up! Shakespeare made up words ALL THE TIME.
**If there is such a law, now would be a good time to tell me, people.
***I know. I paint a pretty picture. His shirts are wrinkly.
****Yes, this is ridiculous; I do plenty of stuff (good, fun, delightful stuff). But this thought is constantly upsetting my stomach and furrowing my brow. So. Much. Furrowing.
EDITED TO ADD: It would be unfair not to remark that my Man is a loving, sweet, snuggly dude (he's ALL MAN, baby) who never resents me for wanting to talk about this stuff (again!) or discourages me from expressing my feelings. He just can't agree to my increasingly urgent needs. And I can't blame him, really. This isn't a time-sensitive issue for him. He's thinking about other things. Wow. I could really ramble on about this forever...
RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
1 comment:
I don't think it's a problem at all that you bring it up again - I think it's honest and courageous that you would discuss it so clearly. Because even if people do have a spouse and a child, they probably have other things in their life that they feel equally frustrated about, so it's nice to connect in that way.
Also, if I can be one of those people (temporarily) who gives unsolicited advice (I usually snarl at those people), my instinct is to say this: maybe you should stop being so polite and get to your breaking point sooner rather than later. You're awesome, and you've been together a while, and everyone is a grown-up. Commitments can be scary, but fears can be addressed and conquered if they want to be.
I recently read something that said that no one wants their tombstone to say "I was comfortable." Life is about risks.
Phew. Sorry. Just got a little bit defensive at the thought of someone not wanting to buck up and make a decision about such a lovely lady.
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