On the surface:
I am happy. Today is a swell day. I'm at a good job wearing nice clothes. This morning I showered and used fancy soap. I had toast with expensive local organic honey and kissed my giant pets and left my apartment where I live by myself in a desirable neighborhood. Later, will meet up with two wonderful friends for what promises to be another terrific meal in Harvard Square. Then, I'll likely go to my apartment, meet up with my super boyfriend and snuggle.
Oh my god. If I have to stare at this computer screen for another minute, I think my eyeballs might explode - they're little orbs of concentrated pain right now. Did you know that women with long-term diseases get sued for divorce more than men with long-term disease? What if I never have a baby? What if I do? Will I still have to work at a job? What if I never make more than I do right now? What if we don't live together or get married? What if it takes too long for me to realize? What if I'm sick RIGHT NOW? What if my company runs out of money and I'm in the EXACT same place I was last year? I fear I'll end up alone. And desperate. And needy. And poor. With NO PLAN. What if I lose my independence? What if I gain too much weight? What if I can't control myself? What if someone asks me a question and I don't know the answer? What if I get lost? What if they find out I'm a fraud? What if I blow it but I don't know what I've done wrong? Why isn't anything a certainty???