Grr. Sometimes you cannot help but be DOWN. You know you really shouldn’t be. You’re well fed, healthy, sheltered, have a car with a check engine light that is NO LONGER ON. You have a job, fat pets; you’re able to pursue artistic fantasies. There’s a man – a brilliant, sweet, be-muscled man who likes to cuddle and watch Arrested Development with you and eat heart-wreckingly salty foods. How could things POSSIBLY get better?
And yet. Malaise. Melancholy…
It’s like you’re in middle school sometimes. No one likes you. People at work don’t care to socialize (with you). Your best friends think you’re alienating and weird. Strangers point and laugh. Everyone else is married/getting married/having adorably chubby-cheeked babies that you want to dip in jam. What the hell? When did this happen? Plus, is that an extra 5 pounds? Yeah. Of course it is.
I’d like to tag out for a few days and get in bed and watch Star Wars on a constant loop. But that’s not really the way to work stuff out, I know. Besides, I ALWAYS want to throw things at Hayden Christensen.
It’s just so pathetic to even bring it up. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG. But how can there be nothing wrong when something is wrong? And first things are fine, and then whoa, where did that come from – feeling like I’m alone (which I’m not, and many people can attest to that). How do you get what you need when you don’t know what you need? All of my needs are met – so, what’s lacking must be on me. That’s the logic that gets me right back to the question “How can I NOT be satisfied with this?”
I know this will go away. Because this isn't middle school. There are bills to pay and kitty-litter to buy and apple crisps to bake. There are rehearsals and car inspections and dates and yoga. These are good things. People wanting your company! Embracing the freedom of being adult! Doing what you want when you want most of the time!
Erm. I wavered on whether or not to post this, because it’s more intimate than what I usually put out there, but it just wouldn’t be right to gloss over it and say “Dear Internet, today I wore pink and ate ambrosia and I pooped rainbows and then I rode a unicorn. It was the BEST!” Not every day is the best. I was unemployed for several months, and I felt like this a lot. I just wish I wouldn’t feel like this when things are ostensibly great.
Maybe it's the end of summer getting to me...
Next on Yum: My Delightful Trip to the Gynocologist!