Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Chicken Little (but I KNOW the sky isn't falling for real...)

Grr. Sometimes you cannot help but be DOWN. You know you really shouldn’t be. You’re well fed, healthy, sheltered, have a car with a check engine light that is NO LONGER ON. You have a job, fat pets; you’re able to pursue artistic fantasies. There’s a man – a brilliant, sweet, be-muscled man who likes to cuddle and watch Arrested Development with you and eat heart-wreckingly salty foods. How could things POSSIBLY get better?

And yet. Malaise. Melancholy…

It’s like you’re in middle school sometimes. No one likes you. People at work don’t care to socialize (with you). Your best friends think you’re alienating and weird. Strangers point and laugh. Everyone else is married/getting married/having adorably chubby-cheeked babies that you want to dip in jam. What the hell? When did this happen? Plus, is that an extra 5 pounds? Yeah. Of course it is.

I’d like to tag out for a few days and get in bed and watch Star Wars on a constant loop. But that’s not really the way to work stuff out, I know. Besides, I ALWAYS want to throw things at Hayden Christensen.

It’s just so pathetic to even bring it up. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG. But how can there be nothing wrong when something is wrong? And first things are fine, and then whoa, where did that come from – feeling like I’m alone (which I’m not, and many people can attest to that). How do you get what you need when you don’t know what you need? All of my needs are met – so, what’s lacking must be on me. That’s the logic that gets me right back to the question “How can I NOT be satisfied with this?”

I know this will go away. Because this isn't middle school. There are bills to pay and kitty-litter to buy and apple crisps to bake. There are rehearsals and car inspections and dates and yoga. These are good things. People wanting your company! Embracing the freedom of being adult! Doing what you want when you want most of the time!

Erm. I wavered on whether or not to post this, because it’s more intimate than what I usually put out there, but it just wouldn’t be right to gloss over it and say “Dear Internet, today I wore pink and ate ambrosia and I pooped rainbows and then I rode a unicorn. It was the BEST!” Not every day is the best. I was unemployed for several months, and I felt like this a lot. I just wish I wouldn’t feel like this when things are ostensibly great.

Maybe it's the end of summer getting to me...

Next on Yum: My Delightful Trip to the Gynocologist!


Just Another Idealist said...

I blame the Fall. I read that we're were losing 2.27 minutes of daylight every day. LOSING DAYLIGHT. NOOOOOOO.....!!!!! Time for Blue Planet & hot cocoa. We don't need no stinkin' daylight. *tear*

Ouiser said...

it's like that here, too. plus, it's rained for something like 14 straight days, so even during daylight we can't really be outside. it's depressing.

anyway, i would say something logical and uplifting, but you already know all of it and it might seem disingenuous, so I'll say this:

if you were here (or I was there), I'd give you one of my "the sky is NOT falling" pills. that's the best i can do.

we love you.

Scarlet Lily said...

I'm glad that you had the courage to post such a revealing write-up, it makes everyone else who reads it feel less alone b/c we all share these feelings sometimes too.

I, obviously, can't help figure out what's missing, but I would say to trust your instinct that something IS, in fact, a little off or missing. Maybe just sit with the question for a little while and the answer will slowly appear.

Love to you!!

Wonderland said...

I love that you posted this. I am so proud of how brave you are. I generally try to gloss over the ugly in my own life when writing on the internet. I would like to say that Scarlet's suggestion is a good one. When I feel crummy, I generally try to shut that feeling down as fast as possible. But I have found that when I sit with the ugly, and analyze it, sometimes I can figure out what's wrong.

And if that doesn't work, I suggest drugs!

I love you so so much. And I want to spend time with you. Always.