I am wearing a new bra today. Since it’s inappropriate to show people, I thought I would tell people. That’s why there’s a little extra spring in my step. It’s lacy mint green. And sexy.
Open letters (because who likes to beat a dead horse? THIS GUY!):
To The girl wearing 4” heels walking sooooo slowly in front of me on my way to the T:
Those shoes are HOT! Yeah! They look fierce! Now take them off immediately so that I can incinerate them. You cannot walk in them. Almost no one can walk in them. And you are slowing me down. Don’t make me kick you, bitch. Switch to sensible flats or learn to teeter faster.
To fans of Tom Skerritt:
I’m sorry, but REALLY? Have you EVER seen Poison Ivy?!?!? I know, I know: M*A*S*H. I loved it too. But c’mon… That man is DONE.
To my Cats:
Whoa. I’m not sure what you’re fighting about ON THE BED at 3:30am, but dang. You know that there are 2 humans in this full-sized bed and that we like to sleep until the beeping of the alarm, yes? What makes you think that I want to wake up because the wind has just been knocked out of me because a 17lb cat leaped onto my diaphragm? Well let me tell you: I NEVER want to wake up that way again. Last night was a freebie, but the next time, say goodbye to your back legs. Both of you (since I don’t know who did it).
To My Man, on the event of using his body as a human shield to prevent any more cat-related damage to me while trying to sleep:
You are so good. Extra cheese on your chili tonight, sir!