Thursday, July 30, 2009

Open Letters

Dear Girl Standing with Guy in the Bacon Section at Shaw’s:

Hi. No, I’m not interested in your man. Really, I just want some bacon. He’s in front of the bacon I want. Yes, I know there is bacon over here, but I want the low-sodium Shaw’s bacon that’s $2.99/lb. He’s right in front of it. NO, I DON’T want him. He has too much body hair for me. Yes, I suppose I could wait until you two are done looking at every package of bacon in existence, but I already know which kind I want and it is just past his junk. EXCUSE ME. THANK YOU.


Girl Who DOES NOT Want Your Man



HOW could you let me go through almost an ENTIRE DAY with seeds in my teeth?? I tell you when something on YOUR face isn’t right. Remember that time you had a booger sticking right out of your nose? I told YOU! Yeah, some people are embarrassed when you tell them about that stuff, but it’s the right thing to do. I will thank you for it.

I’m so happy I went through my performance review like that.

Suck it, jerks.


Dear Fair-Weather Biker on Mass Ave at Rush Hour This Morning:

Start wearing pads and a helmet, because if I see you again, and you pull that shit where you disregard traffic laws just because you think I should be looking out for YOU, I will run you DOWN.

And then I will steal your bike-inappropriate shoes because they were CUTE. Are you by any chance a size 8.5?

Happy Trails,

Pissed Off Chick Screaming Profanities from the Barbie Jeep


Dear NStar:

For the past three years, I have lived in Boston and you have kindly provided me with electricity. You know how much I like electricity: it provides light, tv, hours of computer fun. So why, 2 nights ago, did the power cut out not once, not twice, but THREE times for a few hours each time? Why couldn’t you keep your shit together, NStar? I’ve been paying you! I know it’s not personal because the whole block was out of power. What’s going on with you, man? Are you cranky? Did your girlfriend break up with you? Did someone key your car?

It’s just that, of all the times you had to stop providing me power, it was like THE hottest night of the year and I live on the third floor. My little window air conditioner is all I have to prevent me from going into heat shock and my brain melting into goo. And the poor cats! Those fur pigs could barely breathe!

You’re mean NStar. We are fighting now.

Hot AND Bothered,

Account #2006 118 7616


die Frau said...

I love this. I mean, I'm sorry that you're pissed about things, and you have every right to feel the way you feel, but you do it wittily.

And you know nobody looked at your teeth during your performance review; they found your eyes and your intelligent responses too captivating.

die Frau said...

Oh, and I call it "quality", not "junk" (when it's my man, anyway). Heehee!