Some open letters

An open letter to my legs:

Dear Legs,

Hey guys? What’s up? Um, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about for years, actually. I’ve never really known how bring it up, but this crazy hip-to-toe bout of poison ivy has me fed up. You have GOT TO STOP leaving the rest of the body behind and sneaking out at night to do crazy shit. I’m not sure how you even found poison ivy, but duuuuuuuuude. Usually it’s just random unidentifiable bruises, but this is too much. Stop now.

Additionally, I would like you to apologize to the hands, who are now ALSO covered in poison ivy. All they wanted to do was make you feel better and relieve the itching…

For shame, you bastards.

-L

An open letter to motorists:

Dear Fellow Drivers,

There is a rule that you may have forgotten. If there is an emergency vehicle coming from behind you with its sirens singing and its flashies flashing, you need to pull over. It’s not just me who has to pull over while you pass me and ignore the ambulance/police officer/what-have-you. EVERYONE has to do it. In the last week there have been two times when I’ve pulled over while other drivers just drive on by, taking advantage of the situation. Last night I as on the phone with DieFrau while this happened and I think I blew out her eardrum… So, pretty please, when this happens next time, think of that ambulance as on its way to help yo momma, and pull the fuck over.

-L

An open letter to the makers of CVS brand calamine lotion:

Dear dear chemists/manufacturers/packagers/clerks,

Oh, yeah. Yeah. YES. Oh yeah. Mmm. OOOOOOOOOOOH!

Thank you. I’m significantly less itchy now.

-L

An open letter to Russell Crowe:

Russ,

You will no doubt be a more believable, more kick-ass Robin Hood than Kevin Costner, but I still have two problems with this upcoming movie.

1. Unless Alan Rickman is the sheriff*, you’re missing out.
2. You, just like Kevin Costner, are TOO OLD for this role. If you were supposed to be 18 when you left for the crusades as an angry youth, and you were away for approximately 12 years (I think that’s how it was in the first movie), you should be 30(ish). You, good sir, are 46.

*Ahh! It’s Matthew McFayden, this milquetoast from Death at a Funeral (the original). Alan Rickman would be rolling around in his grave, if only he weren’t alive and still acting. Couldn’t you at least have waited until some of the original cast was dead before you made another remake? Even Brian Blessed is only 73. Dang.

I’m kind of mad at you.

-L