Intentions

Last year at Christmas time, my man and I were... not doing well. After the fact he said something about wishing he'd gotten me something and my reply was: "We are SO NOT there yet".
This year, in an attempt to make things easy, and given the terrible economy, and the unemployment we've both been through, and in reaction to all the stuff we already have, and and and and AND... I suggested that we just DO something instead (dinner? a show?). He agreed. It sounded reasonable enough.

The other day he said his mom reprimanded him for not getting me a present. He said he didn't want to be a scrooge. He said if I really didn't want us to get each other presents that was fine, but he wanted to get me something. So, now we're getting each other gifts. At the last minute. Which is FINE. Because I love giving, and also getting, gifts. But. These conversations uncovered kind of an ugly truth that I constantly try to bury. Let me explain.

I suggested we not get each other gifts partly because that's what I really wanted - because we both already have lots of stuff, and because usually, if I want something enough, I just buy it (within reason). But... I also suggested it because I wanted to avoid the stress involved in buying something for someone when you have NO IDEA what to get. And, I am constantly trying to prove how cool and low-maintenance I am. Because that will make my man realize how much he wants to be with me because I am awesome and easy to be with. All benefits, me. Ugh. I didn't realize this is what I was doing (even though I'm kind of always doing it) and it kind of smacked me in the face when we were talking about it. I try to make myself seem like I have NO NEEDS. Like I tend to others but am COMPLETELY self-sufficient. But I'm not. I want attention, and pretty things, and to be told that I'm loved and wanted. I want someone to occasionally take care of me. AND! I know that people want to give that to me. They say so! My man said so when he explicitly said: "I want you to be happy, so I want to do what you want to do". And yet, I take that not for the lovely sentiment it is, but for indifference - as if I'm bullying him into it.
I've been stressing about this a lot lately. For no good reason beyond I simply MUST have something to worry about. Why can't I just take the love and be happy with it? Why do I have to twist it into something different, something less pure? Grr. It's a maddening thing that I am trying to work on. I think the first step is to stop being afraid that people will stop loving me if they find out I'm NOT my facade (newsflash to self: many people already know this!). Do I really expect my man to forget everything we've been through because I'm sad for no particular reason? Or if I can't do everything myself all the time?

Anyway, I'll let you know how that goes.
In the meantime, can you buy me a cupcake, and then hold me and tell me how sweet I am? Thanks.

EDITED TO ADD: I am a Rambling Rambler. Sorry... Just emptying some of the contents of my brain before it 'splodes.