Monday, September 29, 2008


So, I fear that I have a psychic connection to this man:

As you may or may not know, I have had a near-lifelong distaste for this guy. I have never found him to be attractive, nor to be a particularly entertaining actor (except in Collateral). When I was thirteen years old, I was convinced that I would grow up to write the unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise called:

Tom Cruise: Not Even a Pretty Face

The reasons not to like him are abundant: His nose, his smugness, his defense of Scientological theories and his own nut-job-ness.

Anyway, I now fear that all of my bad-mouthing has just forged an invisible bond through space directly to him. I'm pretty sure that it's true because... he may control my dreams now. Ugh, I know.

The other night (I think it was Thursday. Are Thursdays important in Scientology? Is it the day L. Ron Hubbard and The Aliens will come and free all of the loyal souls?) I had a dream that I was being chased in a crowded parking lot by someone in a car. I was running and running - bobbing and weaving through parked cars and people; it was scary.
Then I noticed who was chasing me. It was Tom Bloody Cruise in a black Ford Five Hundred (which is weird, because they're not really sporty cars, but he was going FAST). He had on black sun glasses and a I-will-get-you-for-stealing-the-virus-just-so-you -can-infect-the-world-and-sell-the-antivirus- to-the-highest-bidder-Mission-Impossible look on his face. I ran all over and eventually I woke up before any terrible fate befell me, and I didn't think much of it.
But then...
What if?
What if it was just a warning? I don't want to be paranoid, but maybe that's what Scientology is all about (edit: Since writing that sentence, I have Wikied Scientology only to find out that this isn't what it's all about).
Just to be safe, if I ever text anyone: 911! and then what appears to be a license plate number, could you call the cops and tell them Tom Cruise is trying to kill me? Please?


Ronbot Van Helsing said...

THOMAS MAPOTHER CRUISE reportedly owns significant financial shares in MCDONALDS RESTAURANTS, which forms part of a cabalist-illuminati "ARC TRIANGLE" with FOX NEWS and THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY INTERNATIONAL. Look up Hubbard's own writings about ARC while are quite revealing, and ask yourself why MERRILL LYNCH gave Cruise a 500 MILLION DOLLAR credit line when they knew they were about to dissolve in a hostile takeover by BANK OF AMERICA (whose financial ties with Scientology are well documented). Did Cruise take the money and run? BOYCOTT SCIENTOLOGY and BOYCOTT MCDONALDS now!

Ouiser said...

long lost twin? i swear that the longer i know you, the longer we seem like two halves of the same coin. i cannot stand tom cruise. yuck.

i'll keep my cell phone handy for emergency texts, though i'll simultaneously hope that text never comes. :)

Jessica said...

On the upside, at least we weren't wearing jester costumes at the time (like in some other dreans you've had lately). Of all the people to form psychic connections with...? -J

die Frau said...

TOM CRUISE IS INVADING YOUR DREAMS. He's found a crazy, Scientological way to infiltrate your dreams. God, what if that were true? How frigging frightening.

I admit I did think he was cute in Top Gun, but then I learned better. I attribute it to blossoming hormones. I will totally call 911 on his wacky ass if he comes after you.