Open Letters

Dear Girl Standing with Guy in the Bacon Section at Shaw’s:

Hi. No, I’m not interested in your man. Really, I just want some bacon. He’s in front of the bacon I want. Yes, I know there is bacon over here, but I want the low-sodium Shaw’s bacon that’s $2.99/lb. He’s right in front of it. NO, I DON’T want him. He has too much body hair for me. Yes, I suppose I could wait until you two are done looking at every package of bacon in existence, but I already know which kind I want and it is just past his junk. EXCUSE ME. THANK YOU.

Sincerely,

Girl Who DOES NOT Want Your Man

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Dear EVERYONE:

HOW could you let me go through almost an ENTIRE DAY with seeds in my teeth?? I tell you when something on YOUR face isn’t right. Remember that time you had a booger sticking right out of your nose? I told YOU! Yeah, some people are embarrassed when you tell them about that stuff, but it’s the right thing to do. I will thank you for it.

I’m so happy I went through my performance review like that.

Suck it, jerks.

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Dear Fair-Weather Biker on Mass Ave at Rush Hour This Morning:

Start wearing pads and a helmet, because if I see you again, and you pull that shit where you disregard traffic laws just because you think I should be looking out for YOU, I will run you DOWN.

And then I will steal your bike-inappropriate shoes because they were CUTE. Are you by any chance a size 8.5?

Happy Trails,

Pissed Off Chick Screaming Profanities from the Barbie Jeep

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Dear NStar:

For the past three years, I have lived in Boston and you have kindly provided me with electricity. You know how much I like electricity: it provides light, tv, hours of computer fun. So why, 2 nights ago, did the power cut out not once, not twice, but THREE times for a few hours each time? Why couldn’t you keep your shit together, NStar? I’ve been paying you! I know it’s not personal because the whole block was out of power. What’s going on with you, man? Are you cranky? Did your girlfriend break up with you? Did someone key your car?

It’s just that, of all the times you had to stop providing me power, it was like THE hottest night of the year and I live on the third floor. My little window air conditioner is all I have to prevent me from going into heat shock and my brain melting into goo. And the poor cats! Those fur pigs could barely breathe!

You’re mean NStar. We are fighting now.

Hot AND Bothered,

Account #2006 118 7616

The monsters on my bed

When I wake up in the middle of the night (*almost every night), THIS is what I see:

Luckily, a few hours later, when I have coffee, THIS is what I get to see:


I think I come out ahead...

Rye

Rye Bread.
Rye, NH.

One is delicious with hot mustard and pastrami. One is a delightful beach destination. I'll leave you to decide which is which...

I'm hoping to spend a few more lazy weekdays on the beach, watching my man surf, and reading about which jeans look best for my butt size/shape.

Now I'm off to the theatre - we open TONIGHT!

The show must... go on

So, last night was our first dress rehearsal for the night of one-act plays I'm in. We open this Thursday. I am sleepy and excited. I'm in a mostly silent show (there's just one line of dialogue) so all of the emotion/jokes/ideas are communicated physically. There are also gags in between the other shows, so all in all, it's a lot of running around (literally). I love it though. The more theatre I do, the more I want to do. I'm always reminded of the line in Macbeth about the appetite growing with eating. I can only assuming that I'm improving as an actor, though I don't really notice much of a difference. I hope to be doing this for a looooooooooong time.

In unrelated news, I've been heading up to New Hampshire on the weekends with my man. I've met his family and a bunch of his friends, and it's all been delightful. They're fun people and we've had lobster, gone surfing (well, not me, I read magazines on the beach), and chilled out in Portsmouth. I have a couple of nice pictures of the beach in Rye I'd like to post.

Have a great day, all.

HA!

This is from passiveaggessivenotes.com, which is AWESOME.

Some stuff I've learned recently: in non-numbered list form

I cannot copy text from another application into this blogspot box. Whenever I do this there is an error, and I can't post. This pisses me off.

On July 11th, the 7-11 stores give out free Slurpees (R).

Hot yoga, when done at 88-90 degrees, is really no more difficult than yoga done at regular temperatures, unless the poses themselves are harder.

Life can feel just as terrible when things are good as when they are bad. It really is all perspective.

My boyfriend is great with kids.

I do a lot of stapling at work. For this reason I have swapped the crappy stapler at my desk for the good one at the print station. (You snooze, you lose.) I feel completely justified in this.

I am a decent whiffle ball player when I am playing with/against children, and there is beer.

At least 80% of the tasks in my life are ones that must be done over and over and over. Like washing dishes. Or cleaning the kitty litter. Or paying the electric bill. When I'm doing these tasks I feel at once comforted and stifled by the routineness.

If you move, you are bound to forget to update your address somewhere. For me: Netflix.

I don't really enjoy bananas, nor do I enjoy yogurt, but the only smoothies I make at home are banana-yogurt smoothies (1 cup yogurt, 1 banana, splash of milk, splash of vanilla). Delicious.

I like hearing about how people make their decisions to choose (fruit, movies, mates) and the criteria they use.

In which I shoot myself in the foot...

So, I am settling into my new place, and kitty #2 is settling in, but Conan the Destroyer, less so. He meows at night, keeping me up and frustrated.
So, a friend of mine (who has SEVEN cats, and is a lover of cats, I must stress) suggested that I take some Rescue Remedy, which I have used for myself in the past, and rub a little bit into the skin of his ear, which is a very permeable area.
Brilliant!
Except... that when I woke up at 3am (because there was a very loud party of 18 wheeler trucks swing dancing outside (that's what it sounded like, at least) I was convinced that I had killed him - that I had given my kitty an OD of natural sleep-enhancer.
I agonized silently for 20 minutes or so in bed, as my man gently and obliviously snored. But it was too much. I had to check on him. When I went to the ottoman where he sleeps, I thought I would put my hand down on a cool, rigor-mortis-y body. Instead, he was looking at me, all glassy-eyed and vaguely hung-over seeming. I gave him many many kisses on the head and went back to bed... Where I couldn't help worrying that he would stop breathing at any moment. So, even when I drug my cat so that I can sleep, I can't sleep.
Of course, the cat is FINE. And, now that I know that I am not a cat killer, I may even use the method again if necessary. I do like sleeping.
I am also planning to try the cat pheromone-infuser thing that you plug into the wall to calm down kitties. It seemed to work ok with Kail when I first moved from PA, so maybe Conan will react well too.
Anyway, I gave myself permission to get a jelly doughnut on the way to work (from Lyndell's). It was the first one out of the oven, and it smelled wonderful.

My nooks: let me show you them

So, I've been busy moving into my new place, settling into my new job, and managing to go to the parking authority 4 times and STILL not have a parking permit for Somerville. And let me tell you something about Somerville people: this is a town where the metermaids will give you a $50 ticket for even *thinking* about parking 20 ft from an intersection 3 weeks before you do it. That's how they roll.
So, Internet, I wanted to show you the horrifying and wonderful colors that I painted. Behold, my bednook, painted "tigerstripe" orange:
Not to be outdone, the kitchen features the pea-soup green dubbed "leapfrog" (because YES, I really dig the animal kingdom).

Though it's actually kind of hard to tell here, the two larger paintings here are the creations of a very special lady. She is a rockin' artist, and her portfolio can be seen here: portfolio (go there NOW)

I really love these colors, and my (kind of mini) new apartment. The cats, on the other hand, are not so sure. They're sleeping a lot and they may be depressed. I'm not sure how to distinguish a regular cat sleeping 22 hours a day from a depressed cat sleeping 22 hours a day. I think with the depressed cat, they hum The Cure while they're awake. So I'll look out for that.

Well, I'm off to rehearsal. I have to be funny and silly and silent; I get to juggle and do a spit take. Life is good.