As I sit in my room wishing that all of the local purchasing managers would die/retire/go on maternity leave, I call out (about her loud music):
Is that Emmilou Harris?
What? Are you talking to me?
Yes. Is that Emmilou Harris?
Yeah. Is it too loud?
Nope. She's really good.
Who?
Um...Emmilou Harris...
Monday, January 19, 2009
In which I whine some more...
I hope to be transitioning out of what was one of the worst weeks of my adult life.
Last Monday, I lost my job. Now, I was in great company; I was laid off with more than half of the company. But this was a great job. It was a very welcome part of my identity that I was a manager at a start-up that was planning to solve the energy crisis. I managed a great team. Now they're all looking for work too.
Thanks to everyone who said nice things about my bouncing back. Of course I will. And in the meantime I have unemployment insurance. Thanks to you, too, Massachusetts.
On Wednesday my boyfriend and I decided to stop seeing each other. He couldn't commit to loving me and I couldn't deal with no love. I kind of thought that he was the perfect guy for me, but as it turns out, he is terrified of making a decision that could have an impact on the rest of his life. My heart is broken into a million shards, but I don't blame him. Sometimes, you just don't feel what the other person feels. Also, he lost his job last Monday, and I know how different life looks, and how bleak, right now.
If you add on top of that the cabin fever I've had because we've had all of the snow, and the fact that heat is expensive so the apartment is never warmer than 60 degrees (which is lovely outside, but TOO DAMN COLD inside), it's just been kind of awful.
I know that right now, thousands of people are calling the unemployment office, and not getting through. I know that people are wondering how they'll run their cars, how they'll feed their kids, how they'll find work in a broken economy. I'll be fine, but every day for the last week I've spent some amount of time crying and cursing my current situation. I've spent time being sorry and ashamed and confused and wondering if I'll ever have a life I can feel stable in, and a partner I can trust to stick.
Last Monday, I lost my job. Now, I was in great company; I was laid off with more than half of the company. But this was a great job. It was a very welcome part of my identity that I was a manager at a start-up that was planning to solve the energy crisis. I managed a great team. Now they're all looking for work too.
Thanks to everyone who said nice things about my bouncing back. Of course I will. And in the meantime I have unemployment insurance. Thanks to you, too, Massachusetts.
On Wednesday my boyfriend and I decided to stop seeing each other. He couldn't commit to loving me and I couldn't deal with no love. I kind of thought that he was the perfect guy for me, but as it turns out, he is terrified of making a decision that could have an impact on the rest of his life. My heart is broken into a million shards, but I don't blame him. Sometimes, you just don't feel what the other person feels. Also, he lost his job last Monday, and I know how different life looks, and how bleak, right now.
If you add on top of that the cabin fever I've had because we've had all of the snow, and the fact that heat is expensive so the apartment is never warmer than 60 degrees (which is lovely outside, but TOO DAMN COLD inside), it's just been kind of awful.
I know that right now, thousands of people are calling the unemployment office, and not getting through. I know that people are wondering how they'll run their cars, how they'll feed their kids, how they'll find work in a broken economy. I'll be fine, but every day for the last week I've spent some amount of time crying and cursing my current situation. I've spent time being sorry and ashamed and confused and wondering if I'll ever have a life I can feel stable in, and a partner I can trust to stick.
Monday, January 12, 2009
How dark is this place?
So, I just got laid off. Just now. Walked to my desk, escorted to my car; the whole deal...
Shock.
Ego bust.
I actually LOVED that job and the people there. It's tough to find that kind of magic.
I'll be fine. Of that I have no doubt. Grrrrrrr. This will take some getting used to. Well, not getting used to, but some figuring out, anyway.
Shock.
Ego bust.
I actually LOVED that job and the people there. It's tough to find that kind of magic.
I'll be fine. Of that I have no doubt. Grrrrrrr. This will take some getting used to. Well, not getting used to, but some figuring out, anyway.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Right and wrong
How to cross the street the wrong way:
Grab me between my elbow and shoulder. If you do this, and you're not a blind, old person, please expect me to rain down the pain. I do not enjoy being goon-handed. I kick high and I kick hard.
How to cross the street the right way:
Hold my hand.
That is all.
(No, wait! It's not all! Completely unrelated to streets and goon-handing: Daylight Saving(no "s") Time officially starts in 8 weeks. YES! That is all.)
Grab me between my elbow and shoulder. If you do this, and you're not a blind, old person, please expect me to rain down the pain. I do not enjoy being goon-handed. I kick high and I kick hard.
How to cross the street the right way:
Hold my hand.
That is all.
(No, wait! It's not all! Completely unrelated to streets and goon-handing: Daylight Saving(no "s") Time officially starts in 8 weeks. YES! That is all.)
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Pity me not
I am now, officially, too old for it to be possible for me to have a baby at the same age my mom had her first child.
My mom, who I thought was SO OLD she was practically dessicated when I was a toddler. SO OLD that she might break a hip if I looked at her with too much intensity. SO OLD that she may have once had a hot hot affair with Charlemagne...
And me? Why, I'm pretty sure I was 17 about an hour ago. Remember? When I stuck those Pretzel Stix up my nose at lunch? Or when I giggled my way through a meeting last week because I was NOT wearing underwear? Or when I doodled monkeys having sex on my electric bill? Or tried to get the cats to drink some of my dirty martini?
Gah, when did this happen?
I'm not upset - just curious about how this crazy ride will all turn out. Hopefully on a porch-swing somewhere warm.
My mom, who I thought was SO OLD she was practically dessicated when I was a toddler. SO OLD that she might break a hip if I looked at her with too much intensity. SO OLD that she may have once had a hot hot affair with Charlemagne...
And me? Why, I'm pretty sure I was 17 about an hour ago. Remember? When I stuck those Pretzel Stix up my nose at lunch? Or when I giggled my way through a meeting last week because I was NOT wearing underwear? Or when I doodled monkeys having sex on my electric bill? Or tried to get the cats to drink some of my dirty martini?
Gah, when did this happen?
I'm not upset - just curious about how this crazy ride will all turn out. Hopefully on a porch-swing somewhere warm.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Winter, now with 100% more ass-busting
So, I got up this morning at dark-o'clock, did my morning routine (get up, re-set alarm for tomorrow, make bed, put on robe, feed cats, shower, turn on sink while cats drink from sink and toilet, dry/groom, dress, drink water, brush teeth, start car, dry hair, get the f out). I slip-slided to my car and made it to work unscathed. I managed to hold a safety meeting, and then I completely busted my ass walking to the office from the warehouse. I split open my knee and my fun tights in the process. I got back to my desk, put a piece of wood in my mouth so I wouldn't scream, and sewed up my knee and my tights with the med/sewing kit I keep in my desk. I woulda been a great army doctor during the war, let me tell you.
The fall and treatment was more pleasant than the rest of my morning so far, but I'm hopeful that the after-lunch portion of today will be much better.
Here's hopin' anyway.
The fall and treatment was more pleasant than the rest of my morning so far, but I'm hopeful that the after-lunch portion of today will be much better.
Here's hopin' anyway.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Reflections on 2008
Ever since moving to Boston from Reading, PA in 2006, I have been an ooey-gooey, sofy, mushy wad of emotions. My body is but a mold for the fruit-studded wiggly feelings inside. And those of you who know me, and know that I find things with the texture of Jell-O repellent (sorry, Bill Cosby), will understand that this leaves me uncomfortable. I'm happy I'm more in touch with my feelings, but COME ON.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure that this happened because I know where my life was headed, staying where I was (hint: it was headed towards misery and more lonliness). I was able to change my path and move somewhere completely different - and when I got here I was surrounded by art, culture, drinking, music, love, tolerance, and acceptance. I have never been able to be my weird self so much as here. And the thing is: people like me for it. At least, they claim to.
In any case, with the economy, and the political landscape, my age, and where I am, I'm in a unique space in that I can see how lucky we all are - we struggle, but not like some people do. I never get up in the morning afraid for my life, or wondering if I'll be able to eat. I have a job that makes me feel good about going to work and people who want to spend time with me and talk and eat and make plans. I don't have many worries about safety, shelter, or other lower-order needs.
There's still something missing, though. I think that it's in our nature to be not-completely-satisfied. "Itchy" about things. After all, how could we ever have invented things if we didn't identify a need for something better? Technology, development, advancement: they all stem from someone knowing that things could be better, faster, stronger. I feel that now. I hope to have things a little more figured out by the end of 2009.
Happy New Year, all.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure that this happened because I know where my life was headed, staying where I was (hint: it was headed towards misery and more lonliness). I was able to change my path and move somewhere completely different - and when I got here I was surrounded by art, culture, drinking, music, love, tolerance, and acceptance. I have never been able to be my weird self so much as here. And the thing is: people like me for it. At least, they claim to.
In any case, with the economy, and the political landscape, my age, and where I am, I'm in a unique space in that I can see how lucky we all are - we struggle, but not like some people do. I never get up in the morning afraid for my life, or wondering if I'll be able to eat. I have a job that makes me feel good about going to work and people who want to spend time with me and talk and eat and make plans. I don't have many worries about safety, shelter, or other lower-order needs.
There's still something missing, though. I think that it's in our nature to be not-completely-satisfied. "Itchy" about things. After all, how could we ever have invented things if we didn't identify a need for something better? Technology, development, advancement: they all stem from someone knowing that things could be better, faster, stronger. I feel that now. I hope to have things a little more figured out by the end of 2009.
Happy New Year, all.
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